


Not His First Rodeo

by Jaune_Chat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Reality, Crack, Gen, Genderswap, Humor, Rhodey is a BAMF, Sex Pollen, Telepathy, Time Travel, Vampires, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 13:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaune_Chat/pseuds/Jaune_Chat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All things considered, and mindful of everyone's highly colorful personal history which included (at last count): dimensional travel, mind control, time travel, mental or bodily transformation (voluntary and involuntary), betrayal by family or authority figures, and aliens, it would have stood to reason that the Avengers could figure out any strange thing that happened to them without outside help.</p><p>Except they were wrong.  So, so wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not His First Rodeo

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a [prompt on avengerkink:](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/16019.html?thread=35520403#t35520403) Rhodey gets run over by the crack!bus - I recently read a very short fic called "Far from communing" where Rhodey is a werewolf. I need more of this sort of thing in my life. 
> 
> So just give me a story involving any of the sort of nonsense that routinely befalls the Avengers in fic—vampirism, de-aging, lycanthropy, surprise telepathy, sex pollen, time travel, alternate universes, gender swap, etc—just make it Rhodey-centric if you please.

All things considered, and mindful of everyone's highly colorful personal history which included (at last count): dimensional travel, mind control, time travel, mental or bodily transformation (voluntary and involuntary), betrayal by family or authority figures, and aliens, it would have stood to reason that the Avengers could figure out any strange thing that happened to them without outside help.

Except they were wrong. So, so wrong.

"I thought this would have been sorta fun," Tony said, running his hands over his new curves and giving his own ass a smack. "Except the boobs are not exactly jiving with the arc reactor."

Rhodey looked over the top of his newspaper to see Tony tugging at his t-shirt, struggling to get it to settle over his apparently brand-new female body.

"Go to Singapore, ask around for Sister Chen, and make sure you bring something sentimental with you."

Tony paused in molesting himself to let his jaw drop a little. "Rhodey, I show up to your place as a very fine lady, and by the way, I am not the only one in this pickle, and you one: don't even comment, and two: tell me to get out?"

"Do you remember Gabriella?" Rhodey asked, raising an eyebrow. Tony nodded enthusiastically, recalling a very nice one-week fling he'd had with the chocolate-skinned Amazon before she'd had to go back to her job overseas. And then stopped nodding abruptly at Rhodey's knowing look.

"You," Tony said in awe, "are even more unbelievable than me." He was also flattered because, well, Rhodey had thought of him for the experience.

"When was I ever going to get that chance again?" Rhodey said, smirking. "Besides, you would have never forgiven me if I hadn't."

"Damn straight," Tony said, looked back down at his boobs. "So... Singapore? That works?"

"I'm sure you've noticed _my_ shirts still fit."

"Low blow, Rhodes."

"Get your curvy ass to Singapore before you end up redesigning the armor to include tit-cannons."

Tony actually refrained from responding and called the Avengers with the good news.

\--

"When did Steve turn into a werewolf?" Rhodey asked, and Bruce actually snorted his tea up his nose. Sputtering and wiping himself off with a towel, Bruce turned to Rhodey with astonishment.

"How did you...?"

"He kept disappearing around every full moon for the past three months, every time he's in public he's nearly sniffing at Natasha, and you're extracting wolfsbane essence," Rhodey said, pointing at the plant on Bruce's workbench.

"Oh," Bruce said in a very small voice.

"Have you found the wolf that bit him, yet?"

"Thor's tracking him down," Bruce said very quietly.

"That's an urban myth, by the way. I mean, don't stop hunting for him, because clearly he's a nasty son of a bitch if he got Steve, but killing the infector isn't a cure." Rhodey paused for a moment, considering. "Makes you feel better, though. Mix the wolfsbane essense with silver nitrate and pulverized moon rock and inject it into the bite wound. Hurts like hell, but it'll do the trick."

"Moon rock?" Bruce repeated.

"Genuine lunar rock. Tony's still got contacts at NASA, right?"

Bruce nodded, a little shell-shocked as he picked up the phone, tea entirely forgotten.

\--

"Natasha has telepathy."

Rhodey raised his eyebrows at Clint's harried expression.

"Mutation, magic, or mad science?" he asked immediately.

Clint paused for ten whole seconds. "Mad science, I think. There was some kind of raygun involved."

"Good, the magic kind involves a quest to get rid of and the mutation one always gave me a headache. Fifth of vodka and a tab of LSD during a rave under blacklight should burn it right out. Do _not_ ask me how I know this."

Clint hesitated again. "It's _Natasha_ ," he said.

Rhodey considered and nodded. "Two fifths of vodka."

\--

"I think Thor's a vampire."

"He's not."

"He's got _fangs!_ " Steve said, with perfectly understandable distress. "He can't go out during the day! He puked up garlic bread!"

Rhodey paused and sighed. This really wasn't Steve's fault. "You remember when Tony was six again?"

Steve winced. "I'm still actively trying to repress that week. Coulson might never recover."

"And Thor came to talk to me about it, and then Tony got better?" 

Steve nodded again.

"He had to make a bargain. Right now some vampiric sorcerer is walking around in sunshine for a month. Don't worry, Thor'll be fine in a couple of weeks."

"...forget I asked."

Rhodey grinned as he hung up the phone.

\--

"Colonel Rhodes, Clinton has been sent back through the ages. Tony said you were an expert on these kinds of incidents; do you know how we can retrieve him?"

Rhodey was very glad Thor couldn't see him facepalm as Tony yelled something about calling the Doctor in the background.

"Are you in tight with any Valkyries?"

"Several. And friends with them as well," Thor said cheerfully

So _very_ glad Thor couldn't see him facepalm.

"They don't talk about this, but they know when a warrior's out of his time. You can bet your ass Barton would die a warrior's death no matter what time he ended up in. Talk to your Valkyrie pals and get a bead on where he was. Then your buddy Heimdall can open up the way for you. Tell him hello from me when you see him."

Thor paused respectfully. Or possibly out of shock. "I shall do so."

\--

"How the _hell_ did you know we were in the damn mirrorverse?" Natasha demanded, ducking under WarMachine's strafing fire as her Bond villain-esque counterpart was forced to dive for cover instead of firing off a combination of acid darts and cheesy quips. Apparently her "evil" counterpart was as obvious as the real Black Widow was subtle.

"Goatees," he said succinctly, turning for another run.

"Seriously?!"

"That and the trans-dimensional ecto-slime."

"You're making that up."

Rhodey chuckled. "Yeah. It actually _was_ the goatees."

\--

"Bruce got hit by sex pollen," Tony said, hair gloriously mussed, face flushed and sweating as Rhodey activated the vid call.

"Tony, I shouldn't have to tell you, of all people, what to do when someone is horny, desperate, a good friend, and begging for some relief."

"No, no, no, I mean... ah... we could use some re-enforcements." He grinned sheepishly. "Lot of repressed desire going on in the other room." 

The moans Rhodey could hear faintly could have given him wet dreams for a week all on their own.

"I'll be right over, then," Rhodey said, and ended the call.

Besides, it wasn't like this was his first rodeo.


End file.
